Monday, 5 October 2015

Confidence - How to get it, and how to use it! #1

I will start this post off by saying I've recently (as in fifteen minutes ago) been inspired by another blogger here on the internet, Amber, she's crazy eloquent and extremely intelligent. Also this is a part one so there will be more, no I'm not just going to leave you with a brief outline! Don't worry. 
Unfortunately I am neither of those things, my 'words' are always muddled up, and my intelligence I would say is average in my opinion. I was fortunate enough to go to school with some very, very intelligent science-y, math-y types, and when it comes to things like politics - I've no clue, and I'm not ashamed to admit that. 
I'd like to know more, and I try to focus on learning more, I know that it's important for women to use their vote, so I always do, I figure out which parties are saying things that I like, and vote for them. 

Thing is, knowing that I am not the most eloquent or the most intelligent of people, I don't have a lot of confidence in myself. However, I recently had a FaceTime chat with someone I knew way, way back. And by way back I mean probably 3-4 years ago when my mental state was not all that good (depression, anxiety, being bullied - the usual bastards), I was very unconfident at school, because I was surrounded by beautiful, intelligent, eloquent friends, and I kinda felt like a freak. 
And this friend of mine, said that I now seem so much more confident than I did all those years ago (I say all those years, but if you think about it that's way over a thousand days!). 
I've come to learn though, that although I felt like the freak in school, that's probably how a lot of my peers saw themselves. We're all just trying to fit in. 
Over the past couple of years, I have developed my confidence in ways that I never would've imagined I could. 
It starts off with little things, I was in a GAME store (Horsham), buying the latest Sims expansion (about 2012 - because I was just learning to drive), and I'd noticed that some of the prices in-store were more expensive than online. So whilst I was checking out, I asked about it. Honestly, just that one sentence made me realise that it's ok to ask questions, it's ok to question things that you don't understand. 
So my first piece of advice, just ask questions, be as inquisitive as you humanly can. We're naturally curious animals (because yes, we are animals), so ask questions. If you're in class and don't understand something, just ask. Yeah, I guess this little post is going out to those kids that aren't quite sure whether they're coming or going (like me back in 2009 - 2014), I literally have no plan for this post and am writing everything as I think about it! 
But seriously, don't be afraid to be inquisitive, it's endearing when you speak to people who want to know more. I have people ask me questions about all kinds of random stuff from makeup, to relationship advice, and I in turn like to ask questions. I'm constantly asking my younger friends about 'lingo' - because frankly I just don't understand any of it. 
In 2013 I left school and went on to study a Foundation Art Degree (which I obtained), but with a year that started out so amazing, it quickly went downhill. I got sick around the Winter of 2013, and going into 2014 I'd started to develop a wonderful (sarcasm) new trait - panic attacks. 
These panic attacks weren't just the usual hyperventilating, oh no, I would be in physical pain, my whole chest would close up and my heart would race like crazy. Occasionally (thankfully this only happened at home) I would throw up, and what really, really sucks about me developing this is that I missed out on going to Berlin in early December (one of my favourite places) and on seeing one of my all-time favourite bands - Nickleback - at the O2 with prime seating in the front. 
I will never not regret that. (Genuine picture of me that night) 
One thing that did happen, when I got back into class, I made a couple of new friends. The friends I made at Art school, were great but all in a separate class to my Graphics and Illustration one, I made friends with people in my own class, and even found a couple of friends that I'd gone to primary school with! Which is nuts! 
I am very thankful to all of the friends I made in Art school, because if I hadn't had them, it probably would've been hell. 
So whilst the teachers may not have liked me very much (art teachers never do!), and I may have been knocked down a few times (that bitch who called out my female fawn with antlers - 'er you do know female deer don't have antlers' - sit down bitch it's beautiful!), I feel like that built up my confidence, it made me cope with crap. It also let me see a whole world outside of the two schools I'd ever been to, I mixed with people from all sorts of different places, and in the end, it was good. I got my Foundation Degree. 
What I'm saying is, if you get knocked down, if you think that there's no way back, toss the bastards and do what you want. Because believe me I am more proud of that sketched Fawn and more proud of my London in the style of Rivendell painting (still not completed), than I ever will be of anything I was 'told' to do. My favourite piece from my Art A Level, was something I did outside of class, of my own volition. 
Forget 'em, and do what you want to.
God this post is long. But I'll carry on because if I leave now, I'll probably forget where I was going with it. 
Right. 
Over the past year or so (end of 2014 - now), I've been up to London by myself, gone on a weekend taster course in London by myself, travelled on the train by myself, driven down to Brighton everyday for a MONTH by myself to go on a makeup course, made even more friends, one of which I hope to keep for a long time - she's hilarious. Had a job, finished at the job, done a professional photoshoot, and now have a new job which I start 'training' for on Wednesday (and I am nervous). I'm also getting more orders for my Etsy shop than ever - which is amazing! 
Whilst those may not be huge accomplishments for some people, those are amazing for me! I navigated the bitch that is London Victoria and the London Undergound. 
I drove down to Brighton for a solid month, and found that I absolutely love deriving, all whilst becoming a qualified TV, Film and Theatre makeup artist. Whilst I was there I met some amazing people, it was awesome to hear everyone's stories, where they came from in the country as well as life, and where they were going. 
I also started a new job (Oct '14) and finished at said job (May '15 - to go an do my MUA course). I met some very interesting people, and made a new friend who seems to be in a similar state of 'I don't know what the heck I'm doing with my life' as me and that is refreshing to know I'm not alone.
I was asked to do the makeup for an outdoors pro photoshoot, I said yes, ended up meeting a couple of fantastic people, and was reassured because it was the model's first one too! Got some amazingly beautiful pictures out of it too. 
I start my induction for my new job on Wednesday - earning more money PH than at my last one, and I'm also earning more through my Etsy shop now which is amazing - I hope one day that I'll be able to make that, this and YouTube my full-time job but, we'll see. 
All of these things have happened in the past year, and I couldn't be more thankful. Thankful to everyone that's helped boost my confidence when sometimes, I really, really needed it. Thankful especially to my friends that would come out to dinner or lunch, or even a movie with me, because it actually means a lot. 
What I mean, is that to be more confident, you have to step outside of your comfort zone sometimes. I'm not saying all the time, because even now I won't go in a club and I won't go to big parties, sit-down meals etc. fine, drinking and dancing - no. But sometimes, sometimes you have to say yes. 
Yes to things that you wouldn't usually say yes to, I met two random strangers at a reservoir for a photoshoot - two years ago I'd never have said yes. Now, I am thrilled that I did. 
I am happy with where I am, I have a goal that I am working towards - looking at you Cordon Bleu - and I am going to be earning soon so that I can buy gifts for my friends and family for Christmas. 
So that's a brief journey of me and my confidence over the last few years. Yeah it has taken a lot for me to get here, mentally, and the majority of my friends and family have no idea. Some are unaware of this blog, and my YouTube, which is crazy!  
I've also found new role models, I used to see role models in people like Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez, but I'm now much more inclined towards people's characters rather than looks or even gender, because yeah, men can be role models towards women just as much as women can be to men.  (Two of my role models are even quoted!) 
It's the little things that'll give you confidence, like meeting up with a friend, writing a blog, listening to 'Boss Ass Bitch' (thank you Nicki Minaj), asking a question, or even looking down at a tattoo and thinking - 
"I know my value - everyone else's opinion doesn't really matter
- Peggy Carter/Hayley Atwell 
Thanks Peggy! 
And a little note to those of y'all who are stuck where I was three years ago, I didn't know what I was going to do with my life, I didn't know if I would survive school (and that is the truth), but I'm here now. It's ok to not know what you're doing, it's ok to be a little bit different and quirky. 
And a quick note to teenage me - It's ok. 

"Embrace your differences and the qualities about you that you think are weird. Eventually, they're going to be the only things separating you from everyone else"
- Sebastian Stan 
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